Open

Here i am free.
I am on vacation break and now I have time to think. To sit back and feel.

My heart is open wider than it has since I wrote my heart to Sire. We have been through some ups and downs over the past few months.
However, that is apart of life but the beauty of all of it is that he switched on my surrender.

He gave me an assignment explaining my "submission". Since, I am a logical thinker most of the time. I gave him my logical view of my submission. However,  I didn't feel right afterwards. I didn't feel...right.

I have been his submissive for close to a year and I just had to re write my submission from my very heart.

My heart spilled forth so many emotions, and I just felt my spirit spilling over. I couldn't end explaining my submission in a writing. I went to explaining my submission in text messages to daddy.
I am leaking everywhere. Vulnerable. Scared. Needy. Aching.

I kept asking myself what is going to think of me. Oh no, my heart is showing.  My mind wanted to grab a shirt to place it over my heart but my heart whispered, "No. don't cover up. He needs to know."

I was in blissful tears as I opened up. I left my heart open. Its been awhile since, I have tapped into my surrendered state mentally.
I am good at showing my surrender in person while in the sweetest focus ever. I am human, I have flaws, weaknesses but overall there is nothing more precious than being open, fully exposed to Sire.

No matter what, I have to be true to myself. I have the courage to surrender. I have the courage to be open to Sire..
Even when I am shaking in my bones.
He deserves to know me all of me.
I am forever vulnerable and open.

why

Damn.

I know you had a wonderful time during the weekend. We had a discussion about leaving "emotionally". I know you are distant in nature so am I..but...I never shut myself off from you. I went ahead of you, when i was suppose to follow you. Some how you left and when I felt that feeling in your voice. I never been so scared.
I tried so hard to stay logical with you. You don't know but I had to let open my heart. I had to. No matter how much you hate the feeling of emotional clinginess. I am what I am. I am submissive, especially with a man of your nature.
When a Alpha female is in the world with a Alpha male...things change roles change..emotions come, territorial starts to arise. I never met a man who i can feel miles away. Even right now, you are far away emotionally.
Im not holding back with you to make you feel safe...anymore internally.

I love you.


im hurting. even if you are not. Pain is temporary right?

me

Tenets Broken Down.

TENETS

*Desire - It is my desire to serve Sire and to be used for his pleasure. It is through pursuing this desire that I will reach fulfilment.

*Respect- I will show Sire Respect at all times. I will respect myself at all times,  I will respect myself as I am an extension of Sire.

*Obedience- I will obey Sire's rules and instructions. If I have a conflict with a command, I will respectfully request permission to express my grievance.

*Honesty- I am completely open to Sire. It is only through honesty that we will reach unconditional mutual trust.

*Trust- I will grow to trust Sire unconditionally, Sire knows what I want and need. Trust will enable me to surrender myself to Sire completely.

*Surrender- Honesty and Trust will enable me to surrender myself to Sire. By surrendering myself, I will reach transcendent fulfillment.

*Fulfillment- By honoring these TENETS, Sire and I will discover what true fulfillment feels like: mentally, physically, and emotionally.



Patience- I will be patient when it comes to Sire and I will learn patience while surrendering my all to Sire. 

The Struggle

im yearning for you.

You have me at a stand still. You admitted to it.
Where am i to go?
But thinking, learning and needing...you.

Air

i feel you

let me hold you

im alive

feel my heart beating

as i close my eyes

i can feel it beating so fast..

i want every moment with you
to last

i can feel you living underneath my skin

maneuvering my slavish tears..

from internal years..

of held back primal  fears

when you wave your air past me

i suffocate when its gone...

curled up alone

gasping

whispering to the heavens
for
just
one
more
breath

of your...Air.

Tenet 1-Desire

I understand my desires. I embraced them. I wallow in my thoughts. I have this deep desire to be a total, objectified slut. Ive always wanted to be everything to one man.  I want to be his property. I want to be what he desires in his imagination. Because its the woman that appeals to his imagination is who gets him..keeps him...satisfied. Im trying to be everything so another woman can't compare. There aint shit I wouldn't do sexually with him and only him. I am so eager to learn too. I have been internally locked in. Ive never gotten the chance to experience my desires with a man because...I felt that I had to had a long going energy connection. I want to be taught how to ride his dick, I want him to mold me perfectly to suck his dick, I want him to show me all the things that he needs, need to do to survive. I want him to be fulfilled sexually.

I already understand my body for my pleasure purposes, but everyone knows its better when you intertwine with someone who desire and like to give their all to another during intimacy, unadulterated, predator,prey, mother nature bodies colliding..

sThere is always more to the equation but the truth of the matter is---if the Dominant is fullfiling his submissive desires he is fulfilling a part of her desires to connect to him deeply. However, there will be times that his pleasure is not for my pleasure BUT for his pleasure. Although, he still understands my needs, desires. I assume that some submissives would feel that if a Dominant is doing something that is not their hard limit and they don't like it even though its not their hard limit? Then he shouldn't do it. Ummm...no. That is not how it works in some cases. For example: If a whip was not a hard limit of mines and I didn't care for the whip to touch my body. The whip doesn't bring me any pleasure but a discomfort.  And he wanted to whip me for his pleasure, he liked the way bruises looked, he got a fulfillment and it turned him on. Then by all means hurt me. No matter how much I am crying in discomfort its NOT for my pleasure. Its his DESIRE.
However, I actually like knowing that I am pleasing my Dominant that would turn me on in every way..

desire...desire..

I long to serve that is an in depth desire too. I remember one time I went on a date and the gentleman had me to take his coat. I remember smoothing his petticoat and laying it perfectly on the bench. I couldn't believe such joy I got out of just that simple act. I felt alive. However, the gentleman didn't know I was a submissive woman. A submissive woman that will cater to her Dominants desires..

Suffocate

With every look from your eyes and every word that your speak. I feel like I am suffocating. You know the air that you can't see yourself being without for a moment. Something is shifting inside of me. The more we connect, the more we talk, the more we come closer. I find myself seeking you in the pitch black darkness. I feel like "Is this too soon?" Then, Im like this is the force of nature. Its something that we share together. I am going to need more than just a weekend. I am going to need a planned trip.

The magnitude in this small period. I am going slow as I can. I can still hear his words inside my mind. I sware he is more sadistic then he is telling me. I felt it. He didn't rest, no slumber until I suffered. I was being a limit tester by mentioning my wicked emotional masochistic thoughts of crying while sucking his dick." I didn't think that he would pay that no mind. He was not tripping about the dick sucking...Its was the "crying" that captured him. Only an emotional sadist would take heed of that statement. In which that statement made him suffer....

So, I suffered for his pleasure. The pressure of his body that had an ache that I was not there to aid to that need.
I will try to be careful next time...

Im suffocating right now, I have to learn and earn him. I have to earn to visit him in due time. I am strong even in my weakness. Its my pleasure to serve, with truth and honesty. I need to serve.

I guess acknowledging the fact of what I need is compelling...or expression my air being taken bit by bit..

suffocating.

Sire's Seven Tenets

Desire

Respect

Obedience

Honesty

Trust

Surrender

Fulfillment

Sire's submissive credo

Sire, I surrender to you completely.  My truest desire is to serve you, if you will have me.  Please accept my submission and fulfill me by using me as you will.

Air

The look in your eyes captured me. I lay there vulnerable before you in my sass and my softness. Yours words is becoming embedded in my mind. You said, "I feel like you were going astray.  I
felt like your attention was else where. Who told you to turn it off?

I have those moments when I suffocate my yearning. I felt so free. . I was not afraid but I felt myself becoming so free. The whole thought of touching myself for you sent my yearning in an uproar.

You said, "I feel like you were going astray.  I
felt like your attention was else where. Who told you to turn it off?

Today, I am there. I am feeling. Your eyes. Your Dominance. Your conversation.

Thank you for turning "it" back on with your "air"

Unlock....me.

The beauty about being unlocked is being free. Its important for someone to know all of me. Especially within a D/s situation. The thing is can you unlock me and not judge me? Could you unlock my soul and still hold me together when the times get rough?  Ive been alone single since 2004. After that? I have been wandering, trying to find myself as woman. I didn't have an identity. I had a few random sexual experiences that left me unsatisfied. I couldn't even connect to a man, hell I didn't even now what one really feel like. You see more I realized how much I needed to love myself. I kept myself in this cycle of being scared of men but liking the wrong men. Ive been on this self love Sire for five years now.

Now, I am in love with myself. It became easier to be alone and learn who or what I felt I was as a woman. You see, I wasn't raised in an emotional environment both of my parents were not emotionally available. I had a deep hole to fill with God. Seriously, I am not a reckless woman not my any means and it was by the grace of God that life didn't tackle me so hard. I still had this strong discipline within me. I had that streak of strength that made me work hard mentally to make wise choices.
Then, I discovered that I had this longing and that is what brought me to the lifestyle. I had a desire to have a man stronger than myself and like a Father to me. Yep, a Daddy. I craved a strength,a protection, a safety net. Even with all of my independence I still needed--a man to suffocate me emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically with Dominance.

I need my soul opened examined and some surgery to the parts that I can't sew back together like the longing the need for a man, a Dominant black man.

Obedience

Obedience makes the character better. It makes the vow that I made to not touch myself stronger. I feel I am overcoming myself. I am so sensual, passionate full of fire that I want to relieve myself of this agony...I can't. I wont. Its to build my surrender. When the pleasure is released...when told? Its going to be a beautiful experience.

"I tell myself"...Be a good girl. You made a promise to be obedient.

Wild Thing

I can have a full discussion with you on why NATO was obsolete, or we could talk about conspiracy theory concerning Global Warming. Sire, I am multi faceted. There is nothing that I can't learn, nor complete a task perfectly. But there is one thing for sure that I have a desire to stimulate you mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel like a woman on a mission. I am a determined woman.
I maybe soft but I am a bad bitch. The hottest bitch. There aint no other like me. God said so, "fearfully and wonderfully made." The thing is I hate talking, I am all about showing who and what I am thorough actions.

Everyone knows the strongest submissive is the wildest, holding down her own throne, confident internally, Alpha women are never easy..
My sweetness is often misunderstood as a weakness. The thing is I am powerful than some, and most are intimidated by me. 5'2, she who is 106 pounds..but strength is internal.

But here I am in the presence of a man who is stronger than me. I imagine you carrying the wild thing in the black net, never taking her by force...I can see the wild thing feeling possess by his mind. Placed in a cage and studied. I have doors in my mind that drives me and my make up.

Try having the sweetness of Aaliyah, the confidence like Beyoncé and the wild heart of Rihanna.
 im beautifully complex..

Can you handle it..


Ive never seen a wild thing sorry for itself.- DH Lawrence

Love Day with Sire.

I rolled over in bed excited that I received a message from you. Your so calm and cool. Your voice adds more life to my breathing. I remember after the first night you discovered my submission. my longing went lurking for you. that power exchange was rare it took my first Dominant close to a year to discover it. When I did my first sessions back in 2011, the Dominant immediately told me that the things I was doing was deeper than just submission. The feeling scared me but you made it pure in just a few weeks.
I remember your words, " When I see you. Im going to talk to you while you are in a submission position."

I realized you won't be talking to me. You will be talking to my soul, awakening her that lies dormant inside my mind. The calling that God gave me to give to a Dominant man. Its my suited place and my desire.

Its your heart I can feel. I love the fact that you are being so patient with me. I wonder what do you gather from my moans wen I am touching myself. I wonder do you even analyze my voice or find something sacred about me that I don't know about me.

I love laughing with you. I like your laugh. The fact that we both like Chris Rock makes like even fun. Im going to watch him with you in mind on this another snow day Sire.

Sire

I was thinking how the way Sire spoke about his mother and sisters. I felt an overwhelming joy because he understand the world of women. Then he will be able to understand me. Put up with me, discipline me, punish me when need be. I stand before him with such power and he stands before me with power ever more. The logical reasoning is that I prayed for a man like him years ago. I know he is imperfect, I know he is not the popular Dominant on the block and he is the best kept secret of the best Dominant in my eyes. I am going to help him become even greater as a man. I feel its my duty as a woman of color to represent him correctly. Allow him to lead because either way when he is not around I will be a reflection of him.

I remember when a Dominant was keeping me a secret, hiding the fact that he really cared about me from his submissive and I couldn't understand why. For the life of me. I remember feelings lower than low. When I knew I was the one that would have enhanced him internally. When I walked away, he tried to hold on to make me wait until she was ready because she was so jealous of me.
My father had to bring my spirit back because I was damaged as a result that was about three years ago. However, that same Dominant stalks, hopes and prays no one finds me. Oh but God saw fit for a rare individual to see me. You are that man. I see you.

I said all that to say this. I am not even yours and you put me on your fetlife page. If only you could see the tears in my eyes. I feel so special that you have me on your page Sire. I am very grateful and I am not yours not in consideration nothing---You aint blind. You see potential. You see the truth. You see a real submissive woman. I am forever grateful.

I posses a feminine power that I embrace daily but I have a lovely power of surrender to give one day. I want that man to be you.

Thank you for being you, being so patient so sweet but yet strongly you.

The suffering

I literally couldn't sleep. my soul woke me this morning yearning so hard that I felt the emotions in my chest. The yearning is sacred and its calling me to come closer. When I think of the dark places he will take me. I melt.
Melt in a suffering that brings tears.

What is his vision. What does he want with me. We haven't even defined the basics of D/s but Im thinking we are finding the basics of us first. Everytime he opens up more of his heart? I smile. I have never came across a Dominant man who has a longing just as deep as mine.
When I am feeling this way. I listen to music that enchance my yearning.  Right now, I am listening to Beyoncé's "Speechless". She is one of the only singers where her man keeps her in a place of beautifully suffering.
*sigh*

He haunts me, I can hear his voice in my mind. This is not a frenzy, he is going patiently slow with me.

When he said, I need to lay my hands on you. Literally. He needs to lay hands on me. I wont break when he belt me, spank me, whip me, hold me by my throat...
Inhale my surrendering scent....
let me slide down to my face..on the floor...